


Feel It Still

by jimblejams



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, First Time, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Self-Discovery, jinwoo is an angel sent from heaven tbh, myungjun has anxieties about s e x
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 02:50:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jimblejams/pseuds/jimblejams
Summary: When he'd met Jinwoo, the first thing he'd felt was dread. He knew he wanted this man.





	Feel It Still

**Author's Note:**

> hello all :') i'm... suddenly back with some more myungjin.
> 
> um this fic is actually very precious and special to me. it stems from a very personal part of my life and i think writing this was just another way for me to help myself. i don't have a lot of time these days because my schedule is so hectic and erratic. but i somehow managed to bang this out in between all the work i have (so usually when i'm on the bus or subway) and it originally started because i was thinking about me and my life and the way i am when i'm in relationships and i realized i'd never really written anything that stemmed from my own personal relationship experiences which is like !!! when you think about it. but i guess, for all these years i've never thought of my experiences as something worth writing about or relating to. but i realize now, suddenly, at this point in time, that every life experience is important and worth talking about. there are things about myself that i still do not know or understand and i've suddenly started to think about those parts of me. and then i wrote this with the conscious thought that this is some sort of extension of me. technically, all my works are, but there's a deeper connection here that i don't have with my other writing. that's why i feel so strongly about this fic i guess lol
> 
> so yeah, this fic, regardless of whether anyone enjoys it or not, just rly needs to be put out there. if not for anyone else, then for me. and in the process, if some of you can enjoy it, that would be a wonderful thing too :')

The bedroom was quiet when Myungjun finally stepped out of the bathroom. Jinwoo was sitting comfortably on the bed, back against the headboard as he flipped a page in the book he was reading. The air was calm but Myungjun's heart still raced, tripping over itself to find a finish line that he knew didn't exist. He couldn't help the nerves. He was so used to always being at some level of discomfort with others that he didn't know how to not be uncomfortable. He was learning though. Jinwoo was really good to him. His patience was endless, and he tried his best to ease Myungjun's heart and mind. His mind was at ease with Jinwoo now. His heart was still stuttering to catch up sometimes.

 

It was complicated. It wasn't that he didn't love Jinwoo. He did. One might even say he was in love. It was just hard for Myungjun to open up, so to speak. It was a physical thing. He had no trouble talking to Jinwoo. Whether it was his feelings, or his deepest, darkest thoughts, he could spill it all to the other. Something about physical intimacy just scared Myungjun. He knew it must've stemmed from something, that fear, he just didn't know from what. It just happened that way. One day, as he was with his first girlfriend, he realized, he didn't want to do anything more than hold hands and cuddle. Okay, he did. He just couldn't. His anxiety got the better of him and when he explained himself, she'd tried to be understanding, but not long after, she'd split with him. He'd understood her point of view. He knew he couldn't fulfill her needs. Every time after that just got worse. Everyone reacted differently and sometimes they were okay, sometimes they really sucked. With every relationship he got into, he drew further into himself and it just got harder.

When he'd met Jinwoo, the first thing he'd felt was dread. He knew he wanted this man. Jinwoo was literally everything Myungjun hoped for in a person, a friend, a partner, a lover. Somehow, Jinwoo seemed to return these feelings. It was obvious that Myungjun wasn't the only one smitten from the get-go. He just couldn't stand the idea of watching another person leave him and so the fear set in quicker this time. He didn't want to have hopes for Jinwoo, who looked and acted like an angel sent down from freaking heaven.

Jinwoo of course, made it a point to prove all of Myungjun's fears wrong, one by one, without even realizing it. It wasn't until three months into their dating that Myungjun realized that this guy was actually moving at his pace, and not just because he was forcing it but because he could actually sense Myungjun's comfort levels, admitted that he didn't feel comfortable if Myungjun didn't feel comfortable, that he actually much preferred this slow dating routine they'd developed. He'd had this shy, sheepish smile, like he was somehow doing them a disfavor, and Myungjun had cracked and told him the truth. Jinwoo listened carefully and quietly. He didn't once claim to know how Myungjun felt, didn't once try to bargain with the other or explain his feelings for him. There was no _well maybe it's because this_  or _you're just being that_. And Myungjun had been confused, almost expectant.

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

"What do you want me to tell you? I can't say I know what you're feeling or why you feel this way. But I really like _you_. That includes this. If you want to do something about it, I'll do my best to help." Myungjun felt his heart pick up with anxiety at that, having heard it too many times before. _What if, what if he just wanted—_ "And if you don't... well. I have at least one hand. I can take care of myself."

Myungjun burst out laughing before he could stop himself, heart beating faster then, but less with anxiety and more with _wow this guy is so fucking attractive_. And that had been the start of it.

 

Jinwoo quickly learned that even kissing for too long made Myungjun squirm. His mind would run a mile a minute. He didn't know how to stop thinking when people kissed him. So Jinwoo would pull away and give him a peck on the forehead instead, smiling softly.

"That's enough, isn't it?" He'd ask. Myungjun would only nod, face red with embarrassment. But Jinwoo would only brush a thumb across the heat of his cheeks and nod. "It's okay. Let me know if I make you uncomfortable. We can develop some sort of sign if you don't wanna say it out loud."

"No, it's okay, I can say it."

 

It wasn't until a year later, when Myungjun had acquired a key to Jinwoo's apartment, that something in Myungjun clicked. He had been afraid of pursuing change, though he wanted it desperately. He'd wanted to touch Jinwoo. He was just really good at hiding it. They'd talked about it before. About the possible reasons and possible directions they could move in. Jinwoo had wondered if Myungjun could be asexual. However, the other had laughed and shaken his head. He was very much sexually attracted to Jinwoo.

Myungjun had let himself into his boyfriend's apartment. It was late and he'd originally planned to go back to his own apartment but Jinwoo's was closer to his work place. He went to open the bedroom door when he heard it. He froze, goosebumps running up his arms. Jinwoo was somewhere behind that door, moaning softly. Myungjun found himself standing there, stuck in his spot, just _listening_ to his boyfriend get himself off behind the door. It made his blood burn and he could feel himself blushing all the way down to his chest where his heart was hammering away. He could feel the buzz of arousal running through his body but he couldn't open the door. If he opened it, he felt like he'd be compelled to do something.

Before he knew it, the door swung open and Jinwoo screamed, jumping back. Myungjun's jaw dropped. He hadn't even realized that Jinwoo had, well, finished. He was so lost in all the possibilities. Jinwoo was shirtless, skin damp with sweat, shorts pulled on haphazardly.

"Um—"

"I'm so sorry, I was standing outside the whole time, I— I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to come in and, and ruin the mood by getting all anxious and sweaty because I can't help, but I want to so badly, Jinwoo, you have to know, I  _want_  to."

Jinwoo just blinked, still coming down from the initial shock. It took him a moment to process but eventually he nodded, swallowing thickly.

"Next time you can watch if... if you want? If that's okay with you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to though, I promise." That alone made Myungjun's stomach turn in anticipation. His body wanted so much. Yet it gave him so many struggles. Well, technically his mind did, since it was clearly in control in ways Myungjun could not understand.

 

It started after that incident. Myungjun wanted to get over his fear. He didn't quite know how. He wasn't sure if this was going to work at all. Jinwoo couldn't say he knew any better. The important thing was that they trusted each other. Myungjun felt more comfortable with Jinwoo than he ever had with anyone else. He knew that if they were to spend the rest of their lives together, Jinwoo would get by just fine without laying a hand on him straight up until the day he died. But Myungjun didn't want that.

Little by little, they talked more in depth about Myungjun's specific bodily reactions to acts of physical intimacy, about the thoughts he had, the feelings he had. He voiced them as coherently as he could as they came. Jinwoo would kiss his neck and he would pull away reflexively, though his stomach swooped in all the right ways. They noted everything they could. Jinwoo suggested they get professional help. Myungjun had done it before. Asked about it, gotten advice on it, went to therapy, the whole shabang. He knew he hadn't wanted to change before. He never saw the point. He'd never wanted to change this badly. He knew he could now, though. He knew his body well enough by now that he wouldn't react violently, he'd simply be uncomfortable, extra sweaty, constantly overthinking, tense. It wasn't enjoyable because of that. Sometimes it was difficult to even get hard. It was also why everyone left him. But now he wanted to change. He wanted to be able to touch and be touched.

 

They started with different kinds of touching, mostly on Myungjun's end. He felt if maybe he had at least one degree of control over the situation it would help. It did. They worked on it whenever they wanted, whenever they could. Myungjun could probably map out Jinwoo's entire body blindfolded after two weeks of simply running his fingers across the planes of his back, along the veins of his arms, in the dips of his abdomen.

Seeing Jinwoo naked stilled sparked arousal in him, but after seeing him naked and touching his body every night for two weeks simply for the sake of getting to know it better, Myungjun got much more comfortable. He asked Jinwoo to just walk around naked as much as possible. It was a strange request even in his own ears, but he noticed that the more comfortable he was with simply just seeing Jinwoo's body as any other human body and not in a sexual light, the less anxious he got when it came to their "touching sessions". Jinwoo took to calling them Touchy Touchy Times. Myungjun just wanted to punch him in the face.

 

One time, Jinwoo really let Myungjun watch him. It had been awkward but exciting, the room filled with the sound of their giggling and and squealing. Myungjun couldn't calm the beating of his heart, subconsciously biting down on his knuckle as he watched nervously, excitedly, as Jinwoo moved through the whole process slowly, surely, confidently. He had been staring at the other's hand moving, so entranced by the rhythm he'd set, that he didn't even realize the way Jinwoo never took his eyes off of _him_. That is until the younger man made a small desperate noise that came out breathy and weak. But it was powerful enough to knock the breath out of Myungjun and pull his attention upward. They locked eyes then, and Myungjun found himself closing his mouth, a squeak caught in the back of his throat. Holding that eye contact with Jinwoo, he realized, was infinitely sexier than just staring at the latter's dick. I mean, that was nice too, but, it was hard to compare the two.

It wasn't until afterward that Myungjun realized how sweaty and gross he'd gotten, Jinwoo crawling across the bed after cleaning up to wipe away some sweat that had made its way down to Myungjun's chin. His heart was still running a mile a minute and his breath was still coming a tad short but he was calming down. He was excited the entire time of course, half hard since the moment they first locked eyes. But the underlying anxiety had been there. It was less prominent though, which Myungjun was relieved for. He was making progress.

 

That was the first of many times. Eventually, Myungjun got impatient. He made the suggestion so out of the blue that Jinwoo choked on the tea he'd just so happened to be drinking and Myungjun laughed, reaching over to pat him on the back as the other coughed his way back to life.

"You want to what?"

"I want you to watch me this time."

Jinwoo had blinked, biting his lip, and he'd looked conflicted, a little concerned, and a lot turned on, his cheeks pink. Myungjun could only laugh, even as his nerves started kicking in. "We'll stop if it gets bad. But... something tells me it won't?"

And it didn't. Myungjun was getting better at understanding his own body. The roles were reversed this time, Myungjun leaning against the pillows and headboard, Jinwoo sitting on his heels at the other end of the bed.

Getting naked in front of Jinwoo had come after getting used to  _Jinwoo_  getting naked. It had taken longer. Being looked at so directly while he was exposed had been difficult. Plus, there was this intensity to Jinwoo's eyes that made Myungjun nervous. But he'd soon gotten used to it, connected it to the love and passion and _attraction_  that Jinwoo felt toward him. It was all in his head, he reminded himself every time, breathing deeply in through the nose and out through the mouth.

It was no different now with Jinwoo watching him pull his sweatpants down. They were just taking it another step further. Myungjun opted for rubbing himself slowly through his briefs first, not quite ready to take them off. But then he saw Jinwoo's hand automatically move to the front of his jeans and Myungjun froze, heart stuttering.

"Don't... touch yourself." Jinwoo froze as well, before smiling and nodding, moving to rest his hands on top of his thighs. Myungjun squeezed his eyes shut to try and pull himself back together. When he opened them again, Jinwoo was biting his lip and looking straight into his eyes and suddenly, without a thought, Myungjun whined, squeezing himself hard though his underwear. Jinwoo's hands balled into fists and his lips pursed together. Myungjun had surprised himself with that, so used to stopping himself from making any noises that having let that one out shocked him. He blinked. It was clear Jinwoo was surprised too, very obviously affected if the way his jaw tensed was anything to go by.

Everything happened in a strangely vivid blur after that. Myungjun pulled his briefs down just enough to release his cock, and squeezed some lube onto his fingers before pulling desperately at it, eyes alternating between closed shut and watching Jinwoo watch him. He was still nervous, and sweat beaded at his temples but his arousal was _strong_. Enough that even despite his anxiety, he could stay hard and get off. It didn't last very long, for which Myungjun was actually glad for. If he had to look at the way Jinwoo looked at him any longer, he was sure he'd implode or have a heart attack. He came silently, mouth open and eyes locked on Jinwoo, who sat still across from him the entire way through.

Jinwoo had been good and quiet the whole time but he found his control unravelling as Myungjun got closer, and when the other came, he couldn't stop the low groan that escaped him.

Myungjun was in shock, blinking sweat away from his eyes and shaking from a mix of his lingering orgasm and build up of nerves. Had he heard that right? Jinwoo had moaned when Myungjun came, and it had Myungjun shivering, one hand still around his dick and the other twisting a fistful of sheets.

"I'm sorry," was the first thing Myungjun whispered, and Jinwoo immediately recoiled at that, eyebrows furrowing.

"What? For what?"

"For telling you not to touch yourself," Myungjun flung an arm over his eyes and swallowed, trying to slow his heart rate. It was silent for a moment before Jinwoo chuckled nervously, making the elder peek out from behind his arm.

"It was... kind of hot."

Maybe it was because Myungjun just came but he was loose and warm and he found himself whining at that, the noise morphing into laughter. They both dissolved into a fit of giggles after that, and Jinwoo reached over to the bedside dresser to pull out a few tissues. "Want me to clean you up?" Jinwoo offered. Myungjun swallowed and finally pulled his arm away from his face, looking up at Jinwoo almost adoringly.

"Yes... please."

It was silent as Jinwoo wiped up the quickly drying mess on Myungjun's stomach. They'd set down a towel on the bed before the whole thing so they wouldn't have to worry about bed clean up.

As Jinwoo crawled over him to toss the used tissues out, Myungjun realized with a start that Jinwoo was still kind of turned on.

"Jinwoo... can I...?" Myungjun didn't know why he was suddenly like this. Where was all of this courage coming from?

"Hm?" Jinwoo sat back on his heels and raised his eyebrows, completely unaware of the direction Myungjun was going. He was in for the second (third?) surprise of the night when his boyfriend looked down at the very slight tent in his jeans. "Oh."

"Can I touch you?"

"You want to?"

Myungjun nodded, swallowing thickly. It was probably because he came once already but he was feeling extra soft and his post-orgasm high? It was good enough to knock out some of those nerves he'd had earlier. He'd wanted to touch Jinwoo since the beginning of god damn time but it took them all the way up to this point for Myungjun to actually find the guts to do it. He wanted to take advantage of this feeling before his anxiety came swinging back to change his mind.

"So badly, and— and I think I could. Right now."

"Okay."

So they'd taken many leaps forward that night. Myungjun knew what Jinwoo's dick felt like unaroused, soft and nothing out of the ordinary. But this was different. Myungjun had never touched Jinwoo while the latter was hard and his heart picked up again at the thought. He didn't know how to get someone else off properly, only ever really touched himself, and Jinwoo's lip quirked, like he knew what Myungjun was thinking.

"Don't worry, I got you."

And that was all he really needed, reassurance from Jinwoo's end that there was a safety net so that if Myungjun fell, he wouldn't be left in the dirt.

Holding Jinwoo in his hands was a completely different world from simply looking at it. He knew Jinwoo's dick was different in shape, size, and curve but actually feeling the heat and weight of it in his palms had Myungjun's stomach twisting and burning. Jinwoo handed Myungjun the lube and watched as the other shakily warmed some between his fingers before hesitantly wrapping a hand around him. Jinwoo clenched his teeth and exhaled at the feeling of someone else's hand around him. It'd been a long time and it was a wonderful and exciting feeling. Especially because it was Myungjun.

The thought suddenly brought on a surge of pride, not for himself but for Myungjun. He was so proud of Myungjun. So proud of how far he'd come. Jinwoo just wanted the other to be comfortable and happy. He had been ready to take on this relationship with Myungjun no matter what, but learning that Myungjun wanted to get over his fears for him? And for his own self? It was an odd feeling. But most certainly not a bad one.

Jinwoo quietly encouraged Myungjun and voiced his likes and dislikes as the other worked on him. Not that there was much to dislike, to be honest. Myungjun looked up as he experimentally dipped his thumb into the tip of Jinwoo's cock and jerked when the other moaned and hunched over reflexively. The sight sent a shock of arousal through Myungjun again. Watching Jinwoo get himself off was hot, yes. But actually being the one to bring pleasure to Jinwoo? Way better.

Like Myungjun, Jinwoo didn't take very long to come and it felt even faster simply because Myungjun was the one getting him there and Jinwoo found himself pitching forward into Myungjun, forehead resting against the elder's shoulder and fingers gripping his arms as he breathed shakily. Myungjun stroked him through it, fascinated by the heat of someone else's come on his hands.

His heart was pounding away tirelessly as it always seemed to do, and his arms were shaking from both the nerves and fatigue and he breathed out a small laugh. He was overcome with a myriad of emotions and for a moment, he was just so tired yet happy that he thought he could cry. An overwhelming sense of almost accomplishment washed over him and he hastily wiped his hands on the towel beneath them before throwing his arms around Jinwoo and pulling him even closer.

Jinwoo didn't have to say anything, just wrapped his arms around the small of Myungjun's back and moved them into a more comfortable embrace. They stayed like that for a minute or two, Jinwoo's hands slowly stroking the elder's back. When he finally spoke, his voice was muffled into Myungjun's neck.

"Are you okay?"

Myungjun could only nod, a little too choked up for words. And when he finally found his voice again, it was with a nervous bark of laughter that he managed to get out,

"Well that was hot."

 

And they were here now, a warm and cozy Friday night, bellies still a little full after their post-dinner ice cream and cookies. It was Friday. A long week of work had passed and they had done so much. They could afford to splurge. Plus, today was the day. They'd talked about it the day before.

Myungjun was honestly as ready as he could be. His nerves were normal, that much he knew. Everyone got them. There was excitement too, which gave him the jitters as well. But his anxiety was so much better and if he waited any longer, he was sure he would explode. Ever since that first night where he, quite literally, got his hands on Jinwoo, he found himself wanting more and more. He couldn't get enough.

Jinwoo had suggested they wait until the week ended so they could spend the whole weekend exploring. Myungjun couldn't agree more. He took a nice hot shower first to calm himself. Normally, he'd take a bath with Jinwoo to help with the proximity and relaxing but tonight, he wanted to be alone with himself for a little. Something about him knowing he was about to have sex with his boyfriend and  _not_  hyperventilating at the thought was staggering to Myungjun. He'd never had that. It was a whole new world and he wanted to revel in the moment a little more, in the pride that he felt for himself for all that he'd overcome.

"Hey babe," Myungjun murmured softly, walking over to the bed and pulling his boyfriend's attention away from the book. Jinwoo got one glance of the man and grinned cheekily.

"Have I ever told you how much I love it when you wear nothing but a giant t-shirt?"

Myungjun laughed almost bashfully.

"Only all the fucking time. But it's okay, I suppose I like hearing it," he shrugged, feigning indifference.

He crawled onto the bed and over into Jinwoo's lap, hands running up the latter's chest and then higher to loop around his neck through the hair at the back of his head. He sighed softly then, trying to keep his breathing slow.

"Good, because I'll probably never stop saying it. You're just so beautiful."

Myungjun blushed at that, ducking his head down to hide his face in Jinwoo's neck. He planted little kisses there for the heck of it. Jinwoo simply hummed in approval.

They moved slowly, as they’ve gotten used to doing. Jinwoo didn’t like to make Myungjun even jumpier than he could be by pushing things too fast, and Myungjun liked the pace to be this way. Plus, the younger man couldn’t complain at all about the way things were going. He was always slow in his movements as well. Myungjun simply matched him in all types of ways, despite their many differences.

By the time Myungjun managed to get himself worked up and turned on, both of them were sweating. Jinwoo’s heart was racing beneath Myungjun’s fingertips and he pressed down harder just to feel it race against his own pulse. Jinwoo felt like he’d been aroused since the beginning of time and he felt like he was burning up from inside out. Perhaps Myungjun could sense it and he grabbed the lube wordlessly.

“Do— do you want me to prep you or...” Jinwoo only huffed out a laugh, and his eyes were practically twinkling under the dim light of the small lamp they’d kept on. Jinwoo was already prepped, for all intents and purposes. They both knew what was going to happen today. Jinwoo knew there was no way Myungjun was going to bottom. Not today at least.

“Whatever you want, love.”

“Okay… okay, I’ll watch you,” Myungjun decided, pushing the lube into his boyfriend’s hand. He swallowed nervously, throat dry from excitement, as the other coated his fingers and spread his legs apart. Myungjun wondered absently how Jinwoo could be so comfortable and confident in his body and wondered as well when he himself would be able to reach that level of comfort with his own body. But in the meantime, he was grateful for the amount of self-confidence Jinwoo had.

Watching Jinwoo go through the motions of fingering himself was… fascinating, to say the least. They’d talked about Jinwoo’s past experiences before, if he normally topped or bottomed, which he preferred, et cetera. As it turned out, Jinwoo liked to switch, said there wasn’t anything he wasn’t open to trying as long as it was safe. He even showed Myungjun once how he liked to work himself open, what kind of toys he liked to play with. The whole situation gave Myungjun the nervous giggles but eventually he got serious and managed to learn a whole lot.

Jinwoo was three fingers in when he let out a little whine and Myungjun knew it was time. He’d been halfheartedly rubbing himself through his briefs, mostly just focused on Jinwoo, but he had no trouble staying hard which was a good sign.

“You ready?”

“God, yes, please, I’ve been ready,” Jinwoo gasped, sliding his fingers out and pulling the other closer with his other hand. “Touch me,” he pleaded, breath hot against Myungjun’s neck. Not sure what that meant, Myungjun automatically reached down and rubbed his thumb hesitantly against Jinwoo’s entrance. “Oh— okay, fuck, yes that’s one way to do it,” Jinwoo laughed breathlessly.

“Oh— did you want—“

“Babe, I want whatever you’ll give me. I want you. Touch me however you'd like,” Jinwoo reassured him, that crooked smile of his causing Myungjun’s heart to skip a beat.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” Myungjun chuckled, nerves calming down again.

“Only all the fucking time,” Jinwoo grinned, a jab at Myungjun’s earlier words. “But it’s okay, I suppose I like hearing it,” he shrugged, smile only widening when the other smacked him in the arm for it.

“Shut up and let me frickle frackle you in peace, please.”

“Ooh, spicy.”

“Oh my god, I swear to—“

Jinwoo smirked and poked the other in the stomach, a sudden tickle attack that had Myungjun shrieking, the both of them toppling over with laughter and Jinwoo landing on top. Somehow, as Myungjun looked up at him through sweaty bangs, he didn’t feel scared or nervous at all. That toothy smile hovering above him was calming and warm. Was this what it felt like? He truly had been missing out on so much. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to care when he had this now, when he had Jinwoo now.

“Can I ride you?” Jinwoo asked softly, when the laughter faded and they were left just looking at each other, chests heaving. Myungjun nodded, smiling shyly. And they did just that, Jinwoo rolling a condom onto Myungjun and giving him a squeeze just to watch him squirm, laughing as he scooted back into position. He leaned down to give Myungjun a kiss, and really, that was all he was going to do but as he pulled away, he found himself leaning back in to kiss him on the nose, on the cheeks, his forehead, chin, everywhere, until the other was a soft, giggling mess.

“Fuck me already,” Myungjun whined, and Jinwoo laughed incredulously, even as he reached back behind him, always ready to do whatever Myungjun asked of him.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Jinwoo laughed, easing himself down onto Myungjun slowly. The elder found himself tensing immediately, not at all used to the feeling of being inside anyone.

“Fuck— is that what it feels like?” Myungjun sucked in a breath and found himself laughing, fingers digging into Jinwoo’s arms. Jinwoo could only chuckle in response, a little preoccupied with getting used to having an actual dick inside of him and not just some silicone toy. It was never the same.

“Having fun down there?” Jinwoo joked, once he gathered himself enough to rock his hips back and forth. Myungjun groaned, nodding seriously even though Jinwoo hadn’t really asked to hear a proper answer.

“That feels… good,” Myungjun admitted, biting his lip. JInwoo nodded and reached for both of Myungjun’s hands, interlocking their fingers and bringing their hands up beside the elder’s head.

“Good, that’s good.”

It was slow and steady like that for a minute before Myungjun experimented with pushing his hips up to meet Jinwoo’s rocking motions. The latter moaned and let his head fall back. Taking that as a good sign, he tried his best to match the rhythm Jinwoo had set.

Honestly, Myungjun didn’t think he’d be loud in bed. In fact, neither of them really knew what he’d be like. Jinwoo had an inkling, always noticed the way his boyfriend liked to bite his lip and hold back. But he didn’t realize how  _good_ the other would sound once he began to let go. Jinwoo liked it when his lovers were loud. He liked to hear how they were doing, how they were feeling, if it was good or not. Myungjun definitely did not disappoint in that department.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Myungjun hissed with feeling for maybe the tenth time since Jinwoo sped up.

“Wanna switch?” Jinwoo looked like he was getting tired, sweat dripping down his chin. They didn’t like to use air conditioning, and it was summer. And they were _having sex_.

“What?” Myungjun sounded confused, slightly out of it. Jinwoo almost squealed with how cute he was.

“Positions. I can lie down and you can… well you can fuck me. Literally.”

“I love your choice in words,” Myungjun snorted, propping himself up onto his elbows as a way of agreeing. Jinwoo got off him slowly but not before pinching his thigh.

“You were the one who said ‘frickle frackle’ earlier so I don’t think you can say anything about choice in words.”

“Shut up and let me frickle frackle you in peace,” Myungjun repeated, and Jinwoo rolled his eyes, laying back and getting comfortable.

“I love you,” Jinwoo murmured, closing his eyes even as he reached down to guide Myungjun back into him. A soft peck to his lips was the response he got, followed by a quiet _fuck_ , as Myungjun pushed all the way inside.

There was something about slow fucks that got to Jinwoo. Don’t get him wrong, he loved it quick and rough too, would take it however his lover wanted it, but there was something about not being in a rush, not racing to the end, just spending time touching and feeling, that was just so good. It wasn’t like they were going at it for hours or anything. Neither of them would last long, Jinwoo already knew that. But the nature of their movements was so full and thorough and unhurried. The passion was practically tangible, the air thick with arousal and longing.

Myungjun doesn’t know how it happened but he could suddenly feel that build up in the pit of his stomach. It was like rolling a snowball. He found his hips moving faster, a little more frantic, a little more desperate as the feeling collected within him.

“Ah, I—“

“Yes, Myungjun, just let go,” Jinwoo whispered into his ear, and Myungjun did just that, a high pitched whine escaping him. The feeling washed over him in little waves, his stomach clenching and his hips stuttering. He fell atop Jinwoo, who could only groan, hand working fast on himself. He stroked himself to orgasm, arching upward into Myungjun who was just starting to come down from his high. The elder had enough coherence to reach down and help stroke him through it as well, which only made Jinwoo whine more.

“Ah, too much,” Jinwoo gasped eventually, legs folding in and cutting Myungjun off, who had the  _audacity_ to giggle. Myungjun rolled off to the side and just lay there, heart still pounding in his chest, fingers and toes still tingly and warm from coming. He’d never come like that in his life. He was not surprised though.

When Jinwoo finally calmed down some, he turned onto his side and took Myungjun’s hand into his own, bringing it up so he could kiss the back of it. The elder grinned tiredly, turning his head so he could see his beautiful, sweaty, flushed boyfriend grin back.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Probably more than okay, at this point,” Myungjun confessed, chuckling. Jinwoo sighed in relief, nuzzling the back of the former’s hand.

For a moment, the world was silent, save for the sound of their breathing, and the unmistakable hammering of Myungjun’s own heart in his ears. He couldn’t describe the feeling he was feeling at that moment, just knew that any second now he would be overwhelmed with it, that ticklish feeling behind his eyes a telltale sign that he was about to cry. He didn’t full out bawl or anything, which was good. It wasn’t that kind of crying. Jinwoo simply watched as a tear slipped out and rolled down across Myungjun’s nose to his temple. When he swallowed and his eyebrows furrowed, an obvious sign that he was trying his best not to cry, Jinwoo hummed and moved closer, pulling Myungjun into his arms.

There was no need for words, Myungjun’s face buried in the crook of Jinwoo’s neck. He knew why Myungjun was crying, didn’t need an explanation. It would be stranger if he didn’t know. He’d been with Myungjun every step of the way. Watched the other battle it out with himself, fight something he didn’t even fully understand: _himself._ It was less about having sex and more about discovering who he was as a person, as a lover, as someone who had real fears and insecurities, no matter how big or small. Jinwoo being able to witness it, to watch Myungjun learn and grow and in turn teach Jinwoo things he never knew he’d need to know about not only others but himself, was an amazing thing in and of itself. One might argue Myungjun was lucky to have found someone like Jinwoo to "help him overcome his fears". Jinwoo would argue otherwise. Myungjun did it himself. Jinwoo just cheered from the sidelines. There was no possible way for Jinwoo to get rid of Myungjun's anxieties for him. In truth, he received more from Myungjun than the other could ever receive from him. And this moment, right here, right now, with Myungjun in his arms, was another moment Jinwoo had to be grateful for.

“I love you.” It was so soft and muffled Jinwoo almost didn’t hear it, but he felt it against his collarbone, heard it with more than his ears.

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> \- thank you so so much for reading this :') i really REALLY appreciate any and all readers, whether you leave kudos or comment or share this with your friends, or none of the above, i'm thankful that you've chosen to read my fic.  
> \- it's been a while since i've written anything for ao3 but i'm still on tumblr and i occasionally write there as well (i accept prompts when i'm free haha)  
> \- find me on [tumblr](https://jakganim.tumblr.com)


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